THE CHANCE OF A PIECE OF BREAD FALLING WITH THF BUTTERED SIDE DOWN IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE COST OF THE CARPET.

NO MATTER HOW LONG OR HARD YOU SHOP FOR AN ITEM AFTER YOU'VE BOUGHT IT, IT WILL BE ON SALE SOMEWHERE CHEAPER.

NO ONE'S LIFE, LIBERTY, OR PROPERTY ARE SAFE WHILE THE PARLIEMENT IS IN SESSION.

THE OTHER LINE ALWAYS MOVES FASTER.

IN ORDER TO GET A LOAN. YOU MUST FIRST PROVE YOU DON'T NEED IT.

ANYTHING YOU TRY TO FIX WILL TAKE LONGER AND COST MORE THAN YOU THOUGHT.

IF YOU FOOL AROUND WITH A THING FOR VERY LONG YOU WILL SCREW IT UP.

A $600.00 PICTURE TUBE WILL PROTECT A 10c FUSE BY BLOWING UP FIRST.

IF IT JAMS--FORCE IT. IF IT BREAKS IT NEEDED REPLACING ANYWAY.

ANY TOOL DROPPED WHILE REPAIRING A CAR WILL ROLL UNDERNEATH TO THE EXACT CENTER.

THE REPAIRMAN WILL NEVER HAVE SEEN A MODEL QUITE LIKE YOURS BEFORE.

WHEN A BROKEN APPLIANCE IS DEMONSTRATED FOR THE REPAIRMAN, IT WILL WORK PERFECTLY.

A PIPE GIVES A WISE MAN TIME TO THINK AND A FOOL SOMETHING TO STICK IN HIS MOUTH.

EVERYBODY SHOULD BELIEVE IN SOMETHING-I BELIEVE I'LL HAVE ANOTHER DRINK.

BUILD A SYSTEM THAT EVEN A FOOL CAN USE AND ONLY A FOOL WILL USE IT.

EVERYONE HAS A SCHEME FOR GETTING RICH THAT WILL NOT WORK. IN ANY HIERARCHY, EACH INDIVIDUAL RISES TO HIS OWN LEVEL OF INCOMPETENCE, AND THEN REMAINS THERE.

YOU WILL REMEMBER THAT YOU FORGOT TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH WHEN THE RUBBISH TRUCK IS TWO DOORS AWAY.

THE RACE IS NOT ALWAYS TO THE SWIFT NOR THE BATTLE TO THE STRONG, BUT THAT'S THE WAY TO BET.

THERE'S NEVER TIME TO DO IT RIGHT. BUT THERE'S ALWAYS TIME TO DO IT OVER.

WHEN IN DOUBT. MUMBLE, WHEN IN TROUBLE, DELEGATE.

ANYTHING GOOD IN LIFE IS EITHER ILLEGAL, IMMORAL OR FATTENING.

IT IS MORALLY WRONG TO ALLOW SUCKERS TO KEEP THEIR MONEY.

A BIRD IN HAND IS SAFER THAN ONE OVERHEAD.

MURPHY'S GOLDEN RULE: WHOEVER HAS THE GOLD MAKES THE RULES.

DON'T MESS WITH MRS MURPHY. NATURE ALWAYS SIDES WITH THE HIDDEN FLAW.

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS THE HEADLAMP OF AN ONCOMING TRAIN.

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.

NEVER SLEEP WITH ANYONE CRAZIER THAN YOURSELF.

BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP. UGLY GOES TO THE BONE.

IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYBODY, NOBODY WILL LIKE IT.

NEVER PLAY LEAPFROG WITH A UNICORN.

THE JOB EXPANDS TO FILL THE TIME AVAILABLE.

IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

IF MORE THAN ONE PERSON IS RESPONSIBLE FOR A MISCALCULATION, NO ONE WILL BE AT FAULT.

IN CASE OF DOUBT. MAKE IT SOUND CONVINCING.

NEVER ARGUE WITH A FOOL. PEOPLE MIGHT NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

LOGIC IS A SYSTEMATIC METHOD OF COMING TO THE WRONG CONCLUSIONS WITH CONFIDENCE.

WHENEVER A SYSTEM BECOMES COMPLETELY DEFINED, SOME DAMN FOOL DISCOVERS SOMETHING WHICH EITHER ABOLISHES THE SYSTEM OR EXPANDS IT BEYOND RECOGNITION.

THE OPULENCE OF THE FRONT OFFICE DECOR VARIES INVERSELY WITH THE FUNDEMENTAL SOLVENCY OF THE FIRM.

THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A COMPUTER IS ONLY AS LONG AS ITS ELECTRICAL CORD.

AN EXPERT IS ONE WHO KNOWS MORE AND MORE ABOUT LESS AND LESS UNTIL HE KNOWS ABSOLUTELY EVERTHING ABOUT NOTHING.

TELL A MAN THERE ARE 300 BILLION STARS IN THE UNIVERSE HE'LL BELIEVE YOU.

TELL HIM A BENCH HAS WET PAINT ON IT HE'LL HAVE TO TOUCH TO BE SURE.

ALL GREAT DISCOVERIES ARE MADE BY MISTAKE.

A MEETING IS AN EVENT AT WHICH THE MINUTES ARE KEPT AND THE HOURS ARE LOST.

A FAILURE WILL NOT APPEAR TILL A UNIT HAS PASSED FINAL INSPECTION.

NEW SYSTEMS GENERATE NEW PROBLEMS.

ANY GIVEN PROGRAM, WHEN RUNNING, IS OBSOLETE.

WE DON'T KNOW ONE MILLIONTH OF ONE PERCENT ABOUT ANYTHING.

THE PRIMARY FUNCTION OF THE DESIGN ENGINEER IS TO MAKE THINGS DIFFICULT FOR THE FABRICATOR AND IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE SERVICEMAN.

A COMPLEX SYSTEM THAT WORKS IS INVARIABLY FOUND TO HAVE EVOLVED FROM A SIMPLE SYSTEM THAT WORKS.

IF YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT IT IS INTUITIVELY OBVIOUS.

IF IT IS NOT IN THE COMPUTER, IT DOESN'T EXIST.

IF AN EXPERIMENT WORKS, SOMETHING HAS GONE WRONG.

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, READ THE INSTRUCTIONS.

IF THERE IS A POSSIBILITY OF SEVERAL THINGS GOING WRONG, THE ONE THAT WILL CAUSE THE MOST DAMAGE WILL BE THE ONE TO GO WRONG.